Tender Mercies

I 100 percent post too much about Jackson, and that's okay because you guys are all really nice and cool about it, haha. 

I have this frick good blog post in the works for jack that Ill post later in the week, but I had to share with you peeps the latest events that occurred because they were WILD. So bear with me while Jackson takes over my bloggy for a couple of days. He totally deserves it.

So he left this morning, and is on his way to Mexico as we speak. So dang proud of that boy, let me tell you, but that's not what I'm talking about today. I actually had some crazy miracle type of stuff happen to me this morning that I want to share with you guys.

J's flight left at 7:15 and missionary protocol is to be there 2 hours early. So 5:15. Which meant leaving Jackson's house at 4:45 and for me that meant leaving my house at like 4:15

I'm talking A.M. people! It was so early. It physically hurt me to get up. I woke up at 4:30 after my alarm had been ringing for a half hour. My worst nightmare. I was so late.

I hurried and hopped in my car grabbing the letter I wrote for Jackson to read on the airplane. My gas tank was empty, so I went to fill it up before I left to the aiport.

Okay major confession tweet right here, until last night I didn't know how to fill my car with gas. YES I KNOW IM THE MOST PATHETIC HUMAN SINCE AMANDA BYNES. The thing is Jackson just drove us everywhere and I didn't have a car until like 3 weeks ago and he would always just do it for me. Are we done laughing? Okay cool.

So it wasn't too hard to figure out, but I couldn't get it to work. 100% honest I had to ask the cashier at the gas station for help. I'm seventeen years old & I'm completely worthless. I'm laughing now, but at the time It was pure tragedy.

Here I am at 4:30 in the morning in my pajamas crying Kim Kardashian tears because I don't know how to fill my car up with gas. 

I finally figured it out. And off I went. Before I got on state street, I stopped to think if I forgot anything. I fumbled around looking for the letter I wrote jack, and it was no where to be found. I seriously did not have time for this. I stopped the car and looked EVERYWHERE. Meanwhile the satanic eyelash glue from a couple days ago was legit seeping into my eyes because I was crying so hard. For reals, you've never seen a meltdown like this.

I flipped around and went back home, telling Jackson's fam to just go without me and I would just meet them at the airport. I ran inside looking for the letter and after a good 10 minutes accepted the fact that I had to go, and I could send it to him later. 

When I was a kid, my favorite game on Disney channel was this that's so raven game where she's looking for Chelsea's term paper or something and using her phsycic abilities to help her find it. But you have to make all these decisions for her, and each time you make a bad decision you lose like 10 minutes of time. 

It was a real fun game until it happened to me in real life this morning.

Only, Chelsea's term paper was actually a love letter to my boyfriend who's moving across the country for two years but whatever.

I had to get on the road. So finally composed, I get in the car and turn the key. Car is dead. I am not even messing with you guys, it was dead! (Gasp please, so I know you get the intensity of the situation)

The noises I was making at that point would have gone viral on vine, I'm serious. I remember pleading out loud saying, 

"Please, please, please, Heavenly Father, please help me."

I had figured that this was a fast Sunday:

"I wouldn't feel right about myself today unless I got up and bore my testimony" kind of story waiting to happen. 

I thought that surely if I prayed about it, BAM! miracle, my car would work no doubt. But I tried, and it was still dead. 

I found the letter, but that wasn't the miracle I was looking for. 

My faith was shaken and I was so mad. I was so upset that my prayers weren't being answered. How could he let this happen to me? 

I went to my parents room heavily sobbing as if one direction had just performed at my birthday party. (My level of emotions has a wide range.)

My dad immediately got out of bed and ran downstairs to help me. He suggested we jumped my car, but we decided it would take to long. My moms car was empty on gas, so I took my dad's car which had a quarter tank.

Several times as we were outside in the rain, my dad asked me if I wanted him to take me. I said I would be fine, and each time, reassured him that I could do it on my own. So he gave me some money and his keys and I took his beat up truck out of there, and off I went.

I had a prompting just before entering the freeway to look at the gas. I looked down at the gauge and realized I would never make it to salt lake, because it was almost empty as well, despite what my dad had thought. I called him AGAIN. 

Guys, seriously at this point what was I supposed to do? I was tripping hard. Finally my dad asked me if I wanted him to take me, and I didn't hesitate to say yes. Within minutes he met me at the gas station and we took off for real this time.

It was 5:15 now. And poor Jackson was probably freaking out as bad as I was.

My dad kept preparing me for the worst as he does best, saying. "You have to be prepared for anything. It might not work, we might not get there in time, but you have to be okay with it." Being a total downer and such.

I decided right then that it was in the lords hands. If I made it there, I made it. If I didn't, it wasn't meant to be. I just had to trust in his plan and have faith that he would take care of me. About 5 minutes into our journey and we get hit with this crazy torrential downpour. I have never seen anything like it, seriously. Out of nowhere it started raining so incredibly hard. It was as if we were going through a car wash, that's how bad it was. Heaven straight up nominated earth to the good old ice bucket challenge. 

The windshield wipers couldn't keep up, and the lines on the freeway disappeared. You could hardly see the car infront of you, but I didn't for a second feel unsafe because, my dad was the one driving. The only thing I kept thinking of was, I could not have driven this on my own. I am the biggest scaredy cat when it comes to driving in storms and this was something that made me want to throw up, thinking about. 

What would have happened to me, if I decided to dismiss my dad's question one more time, and drive by myself?

I got a hint of an answer as we continued our drive and saw three or four accidents on the side of the highway. 

"That could have been me" I kept thinking. And then I realized that maybe Heavenly Father kept me at home for awhile. Maybe there was a reason I couldn't find the letter, or that my car died and that my dad's car decided to drain it's gas tank. Maybe he was saving me from something even worse. I thought back to an hour earlier where I sat in my car, begging out loud for help. Little did I know, he was helping me I just couldn't see the big picture.

I made it just in time to give Jackson a hug and a tearful "I love you," before he literally was whisked off into security, the last I would see him for two years. But I was so content, because I was able to say goodbye to him, and I was kept safe.

My dad asked me so many times if I wanted him to drive me to the airport that day and I refused help every time. I understood  that I also do that with my father in heaven, more than I realize. Sometimes we can't do it alone. Sometimes we need help from people who know what they're doing better than we do.

My dad knew the way to the aiport like the back of his hand. He drove us there faster and safer than I ever could have. And God knows my life like the back of his hand. He can lead me when I am unsure where I'm going.

I learned an important lesson today, besides the fact that missionary Jackson is SO HOT. And that lesson is that if we need Heavenly Father to drive us through a rainstorm, all we have to do is ask.

THE MEANEST BROTHER EVER

My brother left on his mission, this past wednesday. Words could not describe the way I felt, watching my family hug for one last time, and wave goodbye to our oldest brother. Every sentimental feeling inside of me melted into a puddle and came pouring out of my eyes.

But to be honest, Im kinda sick of jake thinking he can steal all the attention...

Since the day I was BORN, it was always about jake. Was it a special day, that june morning when Indy Blue entered the world? Of course, it was the day little jakey became a brother!

Jake was the oldest, and so everything he did, was a first. I was the second, so it wasn't as cool when I started kindergarten, or won my first reflections,

In fact, winning reflections was such a big deal for me. I think I was in third grade, and the theme was "I wonder why"

So I entered a winning poem titled:

"I wonder why my brother always wins reflections"

Back in the day, when I could only manage to win a "participation ribbon" in the annual school district contest.

The excitement of the "Year of Jake Severe" has only been heightened since he put in his papers to serve an LDS mission. As if it wasn't already bad with my mom bawling on his "last first day of high school." We celebrated jake in all forms.

His birthday as a fresh adult.

His last basketball game.

His first basketball game.

His last Christmas at home.

His last St. Patricks day at home.

(Moms the sentimental type)

And of course it only multiplied when he received his call to Birmingham, England. Now don't get me wrong. I was here throughout it ALL. I was front row for the reading of the call, farewell, ordination, and final goodbye at the airport. Everyone is crying, and hugging, exchanging words of "You are such a great boy, jake, you'll do amazing things."

And I'm over here like,

"Yeah, but what about the time when jake skinned the heads of my Barbie dolls on the speeding treadmill? 

Are we forgetting about the time he ditched me at snowboarding camp when I was seven, forcing me to ride the ski lift with a bunch of thugs who left the BAR UP??? 

Come on, this is the guy who would strategically place LEGOS by the foot of our bunkbed in hopes I would wake up in the middle of the night to get a drink!"

No one seemed to hear me, or care for that matter. This was jakes moment, and now that it's gone and past and he is in another country without access to reading this blog post....

I'll tell you guys a secret.

Jake was the 

MEANEST BROTHER EVER.

I'm talking worse than any brother sister rivalry in history. 

WORSE than Chuck & Serena.

WORSE than Raven & Corey Baxter

WORSE than Matt & Lizzie McGuire

WORSE than Drake/Josh & Megan

WORSE than Rob and Kim Kardashian

And even worse than Louis & Ren Stevens. I'm serious.

I'm talking jake licking the Doritos and putting them back in the bag, mean. Evil, really.

This is the brother who steals my tweets directly out of my drafts, and gets credit for being clever & funny!

This is the brother who manages to steal my hairspray every morning despite my hiding places.

Jake is the brother who did THIS to my iTunes playlist.

And it wasn't always like this. Jake & I used to be friends. Partners in crime, even. My dad used to tell us stories every night about our alter egos, Jakie Bo, & Indy Maroe. Jake was a cowboy and I was a cowgirl, and we were the greatest crime fighting buddies you would ever find. Sometimes we were spies, and sometimes were boogie man hunters, but we took these stories into real life, and were real life best friends. For a period of time, I was only allowed to refer to jake as "Steve" (this was the stage when he wore his blues clues shirt every day for a month)

no matter where we were, or who we were with, we did everything together. But fate was waiting. It was probably destiny for jake & i, to become mortal enemies. And we started to hate each other, the way you fall asleep. Slowly, then all at once. 

It started when we moved houses. Jake stopped letting me play night games with his new friends. Then it turned into jake not letting me go trick or treating with him, and then all together, Jakie Bo & Indy Maroe were done. The dynamic duo, finished. It was jakes favorite game to torment me, and to make me cry. 

Once, jake stole my journal and revealed my undying love for Seth Pratte to all of his friends. I cried.

Once, he told me Troy Bolton was gay. I cried.

Once, jake and his friends tried to test me in my spelling skills making me spell & say swear words. I cried. After I got my mouth washed out with soap.

Once, he forced me to go on the "Big Jumps" at a ski resort. He told me I was good enough. This resulted in eight year old Indy, wiped out not even half way up the pipe, and getting run over by Olympic snowboarders. Meanwhile, jake has tears in his eyes from laughter. Me too. I cried.

And still, I worshiped him! 

He was the one I ran up to in the lunch room in 8th grade, when some girl passed around a note informing everyone not to vote for me for student council. Tears in my eyes, I ran up to him telling him what had happened. He returned this with a pat on the back and a,

"That sucks."

Eighth grade was a rough year all around. Eighth grade girls back then were different than they are today. We weren't confident, with thousands of Instagram followers, we were ugly!  And jake made sure I knew my place because every argument we ever had ended in

"At least I have real teeth!"

That was a low blow, but not as low as later in the school year when he kissed Zoe Lazerson, MY BEST FRIEND. While I was upstairs getting a drink of water!

I sought revenge for years, and finally got it, you could say, because I have been dating his best friend for a good year now. But that's beside the point. The Zoe thing was the last straw, this was war.

I would plan come backs, weeks in advance. My moms advice, since I was six years old has always been, "just ignore him" but six years later and look where "just ignoring him" had got me! My most frequent google search was "best insults" & "how to win an argument"

And it didn't work well in my favor. Jake had perfected his craft throughout the years, and "your mom" jokes just weren't as effective in our case as I had hoped.

But then high school started. Oh, how the tables have turned. I will never forget the look on his face when I walked into josh marsh's basement one Friday night to hang out with some older boys. Jake and I were hanging out with the same people! This had to be the single greatest day of my life! I had been praying for this moment for years. Not a word was said to each other, but I was smiling ear to ear. I laughed the whole time, even when my dad came to pick both of us up. 

High school was as you would imagine. Silent car rides, and silent encounters when seeing each other in the hallway. 

But high school taught me one thing. I had an epiphany one day. Jake was the funniest person I had ever met. 

And I'd like to think we share the same humor due to our childhood of watching the Simpsons at grandmas house, or the countless hours we spent on YouTube watching stupid videos.

I realized my whole life, I had been striving for jakes approval. My dying wish to be to make my brother laugh. I looked back on our life and realized the times we got along, were the times we were laughing. Jake and I were comedy gold, at the dinner table making fun of luke. And I'm sorry, luke that you had the bad end of the stick, but because of you, and the fact that you are so incredibly weird, jake and I were able to mend our relationship. 

Jake taught me that it was never too soon to make a holocaust joke, even though it totally is. Jake taught me the best times to make people laugh are in the most inappropriate times. Even though it totally isn't.

It brings me back to my favorite story of jake. My brother luke, had a hamster named Buddy. After a good run at the hamster wheel of life, buddy died one winter morning three or four years ago. We all gathered around buddy's burial. Luke was crying, bawling, actually, remembering how buddy was his best buddy. The spirit was soft and sweet, and all of our hearts were breaking for poor luke. My dad asked if anyone had any last words, in which jake responded,

"Bye buddy, I hope you find your dad"

Which made luke cry even harder, and me laughing harder than I ever had.

And those are the things I'll remember about jake. Even though, this was one of our final encounters,

And even though I could easily remember all of the times jake told me I had a weird taste in music and how I post too many pictures of Jackson, I am left with the memories of my brother running downstairs to my room at midnight, to show me a funny vine.

 A couple weeks ago, I had come home for the night and sat at the computer, wasting my life away watching Harry Styles audition for X factor or something. Jake wandered in and took his usual spot at the kitchen counter, taking selfies, or tweeting, i dont know. The scene was familiar for a summer night, both of us in the kitchen after coming home for curfew. However, on most nights, words were hardly exchanged, unless it was a "Hey I was on there first."

This time was different. Jake called me over to look at a vine and before I knew it, it had been a half hour. Jake asked me about my day and we spent a good fifteen minutes just catching up and talking to each other. Somewhere between jake telling me of his and Bretts latest adventures, and the "im in me mums car" remix, I realized that this was it.

These nights did not come often, and they were numbered. I realized that jake would be gone soon, and this would all just be a memory. I think everyone knows that deep down, saying goodbye to a missionary is alot more than saying goodbye for two years. Two years from now, jake would be back, but its going to be different. There wont be a curfew to come home to, there wont be those late night talks and vines to show each other. In a sense, i felt like I was saying goodbye to my childhood. Jake & I have been through it all together, and In that perfect moment, at 12:30 am, while we reminisced and talked, and laughed, I tried my best to keep it together. I hated growing up, and thats exactly what I had realized. Jakey Bo & Indy Maroe, we were all grown up.

Wednesday morning was rough, and I dreaded it. I kept looking down at my phone checking the time, not ready for the emotions that go along with saying  goodbye. 

He said goodbye to my mom first, which was unbearable to watch. 

He picked mary up with tear filled eyes, and it seemed as the entire world stopped for a second, while they hugged.

He hugged everyone, and by the end of it we were all crying. And I was so proud of it too. I almost wanted the entire airport to know the Severe's and what an important day this was for us. I wanted everyone to see how close we were, and the special bond we all shared with Jake.

He hugged me, and I cried. I cried for a long time, because im Indy Severe and thats what I do. I thought back to all of the times we laughed together, and all the times my parents forced us to hold hands in public -- the worst punisment either of us could think of. I thought of us wide eyed kids with our blues clues note books, hanging on every word as my dad told us the stories of Jakey and Indy.  I thought of all of our fights, and all the times I wished he was never my brother. But then, he leaned down and said

 "You know I love you ind"

And none of it seemed to matter. 

I love you too, jake.